Reflection

Sharon

Reflection

Sharon
fountain-pen-270974_640A couple of days ago, I was going through my Kindle and updating various apps and such. I have never been a person to journal. I have tried it many times, but I get an entry or two in and it gets put aside. The one thing I do is when I get reflective, or have feelings and thoughts I write them down. With the advent of my Kindle and Pro, I wrote a lot during those confusing years of unexplained behavior of my husband.

I came across  something I wrote in November 2014. Reading it now makes me say, "Why didn't I see this diagnosis sooner?" I wrote about living with two people. One being my loving, giving, funny, affectionate husband. The other being his evil twin. Verbally abusive, cold, calculating, aggressive at times. I am amazed at how clear hindsight is when we have the facts.

I knew my husband had changed. It was slow and evasive. It happened over time. I chalked it up to aging, stress, long-term relationship (18 years), restlessness and a host of other things that crept into my mind. I kept trying to focus in on what was going on, why he changed, when he was the worst, just to put the pieces together. I struggled with knowing whether to stay or go. It was literally like living with someone with a split personality.

During this course of diagnosis, I have questioned it all many times. I had thoughts of. "Is he just scamming us?" "Is he acting out in ways to make us think something is wrong and to try to justify it I went searching for something organic?"

When I read what I wrote it came full circle. I wrote about FTD. I wrote what everyone feels when this person they know and love changes. I still have that gnawing feeling now and then as his MRI looked pretty normal. But, in looking at what I wrote, I have less fear that this is a scam. There are significant changes, personality changes, he is not the person I married. FTD took that person away. I love the person who I see, I always have and always will, but sometimes I really, really, really hate FTD.

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Colleen

Thanks for sharing this, Sharon. An insightful observation that speaks to the power of hindsight's 20/20 vision enabling us to confirm with our mind what our heart often tries to deny. And to the power of a journal and the hidden secrets it can retrospectively hold.

EllysGdaughter

I am glad you had that reflection to reassure you today in this moment! Yes, hate the disease!!!

anita0419

As they say, love the person and hate the disease. It is very hard to deal with a person you love and they change so drastically. You are doing a wonderful job and just keep on loving him but hate the disease that is taking him away from you.

Sharon

Always, Sally, always :)