So Much

Jean

So Much

Jean
tulip-690320_640I haven't been on the site as much recently although I think I've quickly read most of the posts, but haven't had been able to comment, although it seems the posts always stimulate so many thoughts.

I thank Denise and all the bloggers and people who share such personal moments and wisdom. @worriedwife, @janshriver and @Hussy come to mind immediately--all seasoned caregivers -- I so appreciate your contributions to this site. I've been too overwhelmed to comment or post.

Our neighbor (65), a really great guy, died (from lung cancer) last Saturday and my former mother-in-law (for 18 years from first marriage/kid's grandmother) died on Sunday at age 87.

I braved the wake as those folks were my family for lots of years. I heard I was in the slideshow as well as some of the numerous birthday cakes I decorated. I didn't stick around to watch it, it was very long and people were blocking it anyway although, I really would have enjoyed seeing those photos. I talked to nine of the 10 siblings (minus my ex--he conveniently disappeared). Most of them I had not seen since my divorce although a few had friended me on facebook. I won't go into the whys of no contact, but I always felt bad about not seeing many of them including my mother-in-law. I remember when I got divorced, one aunt said, you are still part of this family, don't be a stranger. That just wasn't possible.

I recently wrote about my best friend/soulmate who has lung cancer. She missed her scheduled appointment for a second opinion because she was so sick and was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks in total--discharged then back scenario which seems to happen too often based on reading blogs here! She is doing better now with a drain to empty fluid around her lungs daily and she finally made it to University of Chicago for the second opinion. The doctor ordered lots more tests as he was shocked to have only one report from pathology. So finally she is getting a PET scan, MRI of her brain and mammogram. This doctor wasn't so sure it started in her lungs. So now the wait again for all the tests and results.

I'm working on patience--and not hovering. I find myself second guessing what to say/not to say to her. I made a comment the other day--one of those typical comments about I know she will beat this. Then I stepped back and said, 'well, I don't know that, you might not' and she said 'yes', and seemed to welcome giving voice to the thought everyone is having. I told her to please know she can discuss anything she wants with me and I'd hope she'd understand me stumbling in this new territory. We've always been honest with each other. That is so important now more than ever.

It's a tough act to balance the reality of the situation and continue the positive, upbeat attitude that helps promote fighting any disease.

Between wakes and my friend I'm keeping myself busy. Finally got rid of the hospital bed in MIL's room. (My MIL was my caree for 10 years.) It really surprised me--I started crying as the guys for Habitat for Humanity started dismantling it to haul it away. The year mark of her death is in a couple weeks. My goal is to have that room painted and put back together as my office/guest room by that date. I have the door and frame sanding done--removed all those mars from the wheel chair. Walls are scrubbed and ready for a fresh coat of much needed paint. And when I'm not working on the room, I'm obsessed with learning new Zentangle patterns!