Struggling

Lark

Struggling

Lark
"You are so strong," a friend says to me with admiration in her voice.

"You do so much for so many," someone from church says when I seem to be on my last bit of sanity and question everything.

"You should write." I hear this all the time and I often wonder who it is that writes so well that so many people say I should write.

"Take time for yourself!" This has become a laughable suggestion. I can go five hundred miles from here but Robert will never be further away from me than the time it takes to have a thought.

"Mom! Your place is chaos. You never use to live like this...Mom?" I hear my son and I shrink inside. I don't remember when there was any other time than this one. If my home was neat and organized then I cannot imagine I kept it that way but my son says I didn't use to live this way. I cannot remember so I take his word for it and feel myself sinking deeper into a dark place. I seek a place to hide.

"We need to check your sugar!" I am gaining weight. I have been drinking coca-cola for a while now. Full sugar coke. I have recently begun to get more sleep. I am not exercising. I wonder what it is exactly I am doing and when did I start and how do I stop. I need to eat better and care about my weight. I do care about my weight. The idea of managing my food intake is overwhelming and I want to cry and ask an adult to help me. Oh, wait! I am an adult. I do not feel like an adult.

Decisions, questions, money issues, my own expectations and the expectations of people who have become accustomed to my presence, family, get a job, what is wrong with me, is it wrong to wish this was over?

Lately, I feel that I have stepped into quicksand. I cannot get myself out. At first, I wait and try again. I sink a bit deeper. I don't' know what is happening to me. I am afraid and I do not know what to do next or if I want to do a "next". I wonder if people like me or if I am a difficult person. I see myself looking in at myself and I cannot see myself clearly. Who is this woman? Wake up! Wake up! Who is going to be the strong one? I am sinking further into the quicksand, I am drifting further from the shore. I hear my name. Someone is calling me. I wonder what they want and I realize I have nothing to give. I am lost and sinking. I wonder if anyone knows. I don't remember telling anyone. Was I suppose to tell someone? I am ambivalent. I am void of feelings. I cannot feel myself. I wonder what is going to happen and I think of Robert and I love him. I want to want to call for help.

I am struggling. I am full of tears I cannot cry. I am sad in all the cells of my body and I think of Robert. Am I failing him? A very long time ago when I was so little someone told me I failed to protect someone. Who? Am I doomed to repeatedly fail to protect?

I wonder if I am o.k. I wonder how I will do tomorrow. How do I keep my sunny side up? How do I find the strength to get up and do the day? I have no idea. I have no idea at all. Have faith someone whispers. Who are you? Have faith someone whispers. I am angry and I want to slap the person telling me to have faith. I want to scream in their face. Have faith! Have faith! Have faith!

I pray it is true that Jesus suffers the little children to come unto Him. I am as a little child and I am struggling and I have lost my way.

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Michelle

Lark, you always manage to say what I am thinking, , feeling, experiencing. This weight thing, this sugar thing, exercise and managing food, oh my! Where can I find an adult?

CathyJ

The struggle is so real and at time so hard. Your captured the feelings so well. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Sending virtual hugs, love and prayers.

CatKBorn

I completely understand. Thank you for speaking out and letting us know what you're going through. I am right there with you, feeling all those same things. Wish I could give you a hug