Stuck in Indecisiveness - So NOT Me

CatKBorn

Stuck in Indecisiveness - So NOT Me

CatKBorn
If you've been following along you know we had months and months of pain in dealing with Medicaid just to end up having to be denied because they didn't give us enough time to sell off and then spend down Mom's stocks.

Well the check finally arrived yesterday and I am stuck.

Do I just say "the hell with it" and put a deposit on a care facility OR do we get the lift chair, install a ramp, get a wheelchair, stock up on Depends, wipes, Boost and so forth plus buy new clothes because she can no longer wear the size mediums I bought in the fall when the size 14s all got WAY to big? The remainder would go towards the home care.

This is not me. I am NEVER stuck. I make decisions in a split second - able to run all the pros and cons in a heartbeat, analyze the outcomes and BAM! move forward. Not right now though.

No, right now I'm torn. Frozen. I could go on, there a lot of adjectives in the dictionary, but you get the idea.

On the one hand the longer she's able to live here the better for her really, but on the other not so good for me though. Nope. My weight has shot up, the stress is out of control, and she is falling more now so my back is killing me from picking her up. Annnnd then there's the fact that I don't want her here.

There I said it.

I don't want her here.

I want my house back. I want my life back, or most of it any way.

I want to be able to sleep through the night.

Work in the yard. Go to a movie. Stop by my favorite after work gastro pub for a cosmo.

All that "take care of yourself first" rhetoric is crap by the way. When you can't get anyone to look after your LO so that you can go get a massage or 5 minutes to yourself there is no freakin' way you can "take care of yourself first".

BUT there's the guilt. I should have her here. She's my mother. We are all each other has and Grammy lived with us when I was growing up. Plus Grammy took care of her parents, and both of her sisters.

The thought of putting myself first has me frozen in place.

At the end of it all the money has to go away in order for her to qualify for Medicaid. But how? You see, I also worry that we'll spend all this down and then Medicaid will drag their feet for two to three months again and we won't have the $ in the meantime to pay for home care. With a facility, they will work with us and wait to be paid by Medicaid, Home Instead Senior Care won't.

So... I'm stuck.