Surgery--Finally!

Meghan

Surgery--Finally!

Meghan
Waiting_Room_First_FloorMy husband will finally be having surgery to have his fistula put in tomorrow. This has been a very long time coming and I have been really excited about it....Until Saturday night. That's when the stress and worry and anxiety started to creep in. I have no idea why, but it got really bad.

I posted on Facebook about how I was feeling. That was apparently a mistake. No one said anything bad, it was just a lot of  "stay strong/keep your faith" stuff that I usually get. I appreciate people trying to make me feel better, but that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be sad or scared and if I am, then I am weak, and they will all be disappointed in me. Some rational part of my brain knows that may not be the case, but I just can't make myself believe it. This is already such a stressful time, and I feel like the added expectation of me always holding it together is too much. I just want someone to give me a big hug and tell me that they're sorry for what I'm going through and that it's alright to be sad or scared. That doesn't make me not strong and it doesn't mean I don't trust God. It just makes me human. Why can't anyone be like that with me? Sometimes I wish people would stop meaning well.

Tomorrow is going to be a long and lonely day. They want us there around 10 for prep and the actual surgery will be around 12. They are guessing two hours and then several hours for recovery. I know some of you have been through this before, so you know it's no big deal. I hope I will get to that place too. I've done a lot of research lately on how hard dialysis is on the body and it scares me. What if his heart gives out? He has a big problem with low BP at dialysis, and the fluctuation is so bad for the heart. But I know, I need to not think about it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I'm hoping I will wake up tomorrow feeling all the peace, love, and comfort Jesus has to offer.

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6 Comments

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jill

Hi Meghan I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Hope everything goes well today I'll be thinking of you. I know how scary it is. My husband did his first dialysis treatment a year ago today so I have already been down the road your on. And it's ok to be feeling the way you do I know I was a nervous wreck. Keep us posted.

jill

Hi Meghan I will be thinking of both of you today. I send you a big hug I wish I could be there for you in person. I know what you are going through. It was one year ago today my husband did his first dialysis treatment we were both terrified. It is ok to be scared. Please keep us posted. Again big hugs.\r\n\r\n.

Donna Bates

The great thing about the faith that you have in God is that it has no bearing on how you \"feel\". It is there whether you feel it or not. Yes, you are human and if no one has today ...I hereby give you permission to be human. :) I will join you today, in being human. Today we will feel, sad, scared, frustrated, weak, and maybe even look around and see no one within view and feel alone BUT today we will also remember we are not alone. There are other people caring and loving their family in the same manner. Together today, our hearts will remember ALL loving caregivers with a small prayer that God's love will cover their weak place today.

Denise

Hi Meghan--Oh, I totally understand how you felt after sharing on Facebook. For me, I feel like everyone wants to \"fix\" the problem so it goes away. I really just want to be heard--that someone understands the stress and anxiety of my situation.\r\n\r\nSo, I totally get how nerve-wracking it is about tomorrow. It's very unsettling and scary.\r\n\r\nDo you know about our WAIT Buddy program? A volunteer (a member of CareGiving.com) can send you text messages to check in and see how you're doing. Here's more: http://www.m40.siteground.biz/~caregiv6/2013/04/wait-buddy-volunteers-offer-comfort-during-the-stress-of-waiting/\r\n\r\nJust let me know if you'd like a WAIT Buddy.