Tell Us: Do You Feel Abandoned?

Denise

Tell Us: Do You Feel Abandoned?

Denise
house-791139_640We've talked a lot about the loneliness and isolation of caregiving.

Chris (@oscargal) shared an article on our Facebook fan page today with the headline, "Unpaid caregivers say they are abandoned by family and friends."

The article included this quote from a daughter who cares for her father:

"Once one person steps up to the plate and takes care, well then everybody else kind of disappears," she said. "'Oh don't worry because so and so's got it covered.' Sad but true."

I wonder what you think. Do you feel abandoned? Please share your experiences and thoughts in our comments section, below.

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anita0419

Thanks Colette for your comments_mysql. Lillie I do understand about your friends abandon you. I was lucky most of my friends stood by me but I think it is because they are going thru the same thing. This is a time in your life when you find out who your true friends are. My mom has been gone for almost 2 months and I still feel like an orphan. It still hurts so much and I feel so alone in the world. They say it will get better but I'm not over my dad's passing in 1998. All I can say is God Bless all Caregivers. You don't know how all of the feelings unless you have been one. I wish you all the best.

Lillie Fuller

I do feel some abandonment from my siblings, especially my two sisters. My brother has always let me know that he loves me and he thanks me for taking great care of our mom. My sisters, well, one of them is completely out of the picture, she is not my mom's daughter, but she pretty much abandoned me many years ago. I have to think of it as a blessing now because I can't, as much as I've tried, have a \"decent\" relationship with her. My other sister likes to give gifts, but not of time. She doesn't come around very often, she rarely calls or texts to see how my mom is, but now that my brother is battling cancer, she goes to see him 4 days a week, so yes I do feel abandoned by her. \n\nThe abandonment I feel the most is from my friends, I mean the friends I used to do stuff with, go to the movies, or out to lunch. They used to call but they don't do that anymore. They don't understand my role as caregiver and I guess they just got tired of trying. I will text them sometimes and one friend always tells me, OH, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU! Every time. And another friend will say, Well, you don't call me so I don't call you! Did I abandon them by my mom having a turn for the worse?\n\nIt's so strange, when my mom was in the hospital last year all these promises were made from my sister and my aunt how they were going to help me, blah blah blah. \n\nAbandoned? Indeed!

Ladyleo

Yes, I know what it's like to be a sole care-taker. It is heartbreaking to put it mildly! Folks write to you who still have husbands, or children or aunts and uncles but what happens to those of us who literally have NO ONE? That is my position. \nWhen we come back from another Neurologist examination - there is literally NO ONE you can share it with. (Am talking here about single carers who literally have NO ONE else they can reach out to or who will email or phone them to find out what the latest examination showed. Darn. It's such an incredibly lonely place in your heart, in your soul, in your very being that there is no way of being able to explain it. \nI would have liked to have added a whole lot more but my sadness, my sense of loneliness and total isolation is SO incredibly deep that if I were living alone - I most certainly would end my life - that is how totally isolated I feel!\nBut I know I have promised to my 94 year old mom in the early days when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's that I would never just leave her and that I would take care of her until she takes her last breath so that is exactly what I am doing. In the end I no longer know just WHO is Colette? Who is the grandmother to my grandchild, Ariana? Just who am I to the many friends who one by one baled on me/us and just disappeared into the 'woodwork.' I could NEVER ever have known just how incredibly sad, lonely and totally isolating Moms illness with Alzheimer's would become a very predictable and set pattern in our lives. (Thankfully for Mom - she no longer knows who has disappeared out of her life.) But I DO know and I often feel as if am totally imploding with this particular task I NEVER asked or volunteered for. But hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. It ended up being me so I just have to try to make the best of a sad, depressive, anxiety producing and LONELY situation I could never have dreamt of. Not in my wildest dreams!\nColette xoxo

anita0419

This sounds so familiar that I just had to add my story. I just lost my mother in August and I feel alone and abandoned. My mother was in a nursing home close to me because I was the POA and my parents always knew that I would be there for them. I lived almost 5 hours from them but when something happened to my dad (heart problems and in ICU) I was there as soon as I could be and stayed even some nights with him. My sister was in New Orleans on a trip and instead of coming home immediately it took her 5 days to come back. My dad passed in 1998. From then on when my mom needed anything I was right there. Didn't matter about taking off from work, or leaving my now ex-husband at home, I was there as soon as I could be. When it came time for my mom (dementia) to have to have 24 hours care I brought her close to me. My sister would come maybe every 2 months or sometimes longer. She was 40 minutes away. She didn't like to drive I-95. My niece, who both my parents did so much for, never even visited my mom for the 4 almost 5 years she was here. My mom would ask before she got so bad and I would say I don't know why they don't come. In her final days, my mom could hardly talk, was bed bound, and hospice taking care of her pain. I told my sister the doctor said if she wanted to see mom she better come now. My sister did but then sent me a message saying mom wasn't that bad. Two weeks later my mom was gone. So now I am alone with no close family. I am so lucky I have a wonderful church family and many good friends. They are my family now but I still feel alone and abandoned. Guess who is taking care of her estate? You guessed it. I am. Thanks for letting me get this out of my system.

Sharon

Feel abandoned? You bet I do! My sibling even put it in writing, \"I won't help you and don't ask me to help\". This from the person who used my parents for full time childcare for their entire retirement, until they got too sick and then I had to step in to care for them. When the going got tough, he abandoned all of us....Mom, Dad and me. I resented his lack of contact for a long time. I finally confronted him, asked for help and he finally put in writing that he has no intention of giving me or Mom any help. I was not surprised, in fact, I was relieved to know for certain that he was out of this picture. He has every right to make whatever decisions he feels are right for him. He has enabled me to feel fine with making whatever decisions I want to make about her care. I have stopped resenting him, it only takes away from my own joy. Resentment is like an anchor in your pocket. He has to look in the mirror, my image in my mirror looks fine to me, and that is all I can control.

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