Tell Us: Is Life Fair?


Tell Us: Is Life Fair?

ferris-wheel-822041_640I think caregiving challenges us to look at "fair" in a new light. I think of my sibling, who has caused so much heartache for my parents, who lives her life--vacations, concerts, trips to the beach and into the city--without any guilt. She visits my parents, causes a tornado and leaves without looking back to continue living her life.

That's when I really wonder about fair. Is it fair my parents live with heartache while my sibling enjoys the good life? Is my sibling's life of blessings fair? When do we get a chance to live the good life rather than watch from afar? When is it our turn?

I often remind myself that fair isn't for me to judge, that when I get stuck in what's fair I create my own unfair life. I try to remember that today's actions set the stage for tomorrow's peace of mind or regrets and that the choice is ours.

But, I'm still wondering: Is life fair?

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Doxiedad (Rick)

\"Is Life Fair?\"\nI asked that same question to myself one night recently. After having to change wet bed linens and helping my wife into a depend and clean shirt. I was sitting on a chair and saw my self in a mirror and asked, Is this fair. Is this where I planned to be just years away from retirement. I listened and there was no magical voice that answered. Just me staring back at myself so I answered, This is life, handle it and move on. Tomorrow is coming and you can't change yesterday. If you get angry that is what people will see, just an angry person, not the back story of your life.


One of my favorite speakers from is Andrew Solomon. He talks about \"forging meaning\" rather than finding meaning. I really appreciate this. I used to believe there is a purpose for everything, a reason something happens. I'm not so sure anymore, but I believe we can forge meaning out of anything that happens. It might take time, but it's possible. \nMy beliefs went out the window after I heard the stories of two of my friends, both of whom had more losses in their lives than is imaginable - truly. How could there be a reason for what happened to these two people? It certainly wasn't a case of bad lifestyle choices. \n\nSo, no, I don't think life if fair, but fair or not, it's a gift and it's good.


You know Denise, every once in a while you draw me back with these amazing questions. And reading your short essay on \"fair\", I saw myself in your readings almost to the letter; except my brother does not even bother to visit Mom at all. \n\nBut I'll try to describe my issue of \"fair\".\n\nBeing in counseling for the past six years or so, for various reasons and looking for answers, one of the more recent topics was, \"Is life fair?\". My counselor Frank, he is a terrific human being and probably one of the smartest men I know. My discussion with him about what I perceived to be the lack of fairness by my mother towards me and my perception of her relationship with my brother left me feeling, \"THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!\". I am here doing all the work in reestablishing my mothers health and my brother is nowhere to be found during any point of my mother's illness. (Of course I know now my brother wants to do nothing to help my mother survive so he can gain the financial inheritance that much quicker-but that's another story)\n\nAnyway, my counselor has basically guided me in a direction that \"fair is what we make it\". I mulled over this statement and the only real conclusion I can come up with is that fairness is only a perception created by each of us, individually. I don't know for sure if this is the right tact to take, but I guess for my own sanity, it's the one I will live with now. If I go back to the \"THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!\" attitude, it really does me no good and just make me more unhealthy emotionally. \n\nThere are times I still get upset with my mother and her behaviors. I try my best to realize her limitations as well as my own. And that is as fair as I can be about the situation.\n\nI don't know if I answered the actual question, but I sure did feel the need to write something about it. \n\nThank you for such a great question.


As a Buddhist, I believe in reincarnation and karma, which I do not yet fully understand and which does not at all help me to accept that my husband and soulmate, Jim, the dearest and most patient and loving person whom I have ever met, wad diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma in October 2012.

Lillie Fuller

Not fair! My mom was just talking about the FAIR yesterday. It's not fair that she is almost 89 years old, has lived a full life and, according to her doctor, has more years ahead of her. It's even more unfair that her son, my brother is only 63 years old and has been given 3 to 9 short months to live. My mom has got to watch her grandchildren grow up into adults yet my brother's grandchildren are babies. Life is not fair. It never has been and it never will be. In the words of my ex husband to his teenage children, \"the fair left town way before we were here\".

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