The Countdown

Casandra
hourglass-9490_640The days are moving along and we are coming upon the date of Marc's surgery a lot faster than I'd like. However, I know it's for the best. Yet, I am stressing about trying not to stress.

I've had a migraine for a week, I'm getting very little sleep and when I do I am having not so pleasant dreams. I've even suffered a few panic attacks.

The thing about panic attacks are that they always happen when I think I'm calm or when I'm preoccupied with something else. They sneak up on me. Luckily, I've learned how to deal with them better than I've been able to before. It's just a lot right now and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed even as I make progress.

I was finally able to make arrangements for a place to stay for November 8th through November 10th but I cannot afford it. However, a family friend stated they'd like to pay for it and while I don't necessarily feel right about it, I'm going to take it. I can't see having to deal with the roommate driving me back and forth everyday. Nor do I need to deal with him while I am being worried about my husband.

Our assigned social worker has been M.I.A the last couple of weeks since they scheduled the surgery and was supposed to be arranging for a private room. She never did and therefore that was out of the cards. We contacted a new social worker who was able to negotiate one night of housing at a discounted rate. That's definitely better than nothing. Especially since my options are limited when I need to stay at a place that has complimentary shuttle service to and from the hospital.

There are certain things we need that I still have to get and I am working on that, too. I know from experience that this surgery is not going to be easy for Marc and I am trying to find accommodations for the house to make his recovery easier.

The last time he had the surgery we were in a similar situation, as we had just moved in together while we were dating and had no furniture, nothing but a mattress on the floor, which is the same thing we have now. It made it hard for him to get up and down on his own and to do much of anything. So, I am on the search for a mattress set tomorrow so we can get off of our little futon mattress. I was also looking for a recliner for him. I know he was much comfortable at my mom's house in a recliner during that recovery but I can only do so much. If I can find one on the very cheap, I will. But those are the least of my worries. I know that even without it, I can find a way to make him comfortable.

Sadly, I've been getting lots of calls for interviews and sadly, I can't do any of them. This is also making me very stressed out. Had I a job already then I could have arranged for the week off to be with him and then hired a caregiver during the day to watch him. Now, I would need a caregiver to get a job and I would need a job to pay for the caregiver. It seems I'm always in a Catch-22 and it's started to take its toll on me emotionally. But, I'm still fighting to do what I can with what I can as long as I can. It's all I can do. LOL

Whatever happens, my ultimate goal is to be calm and collected so that I can get through this wait next Friday on my own.

I was able to get a temporary pay-as-you-go cell to have during the week of the surgery with lots of time on it, just in case I need some moral support. So, that is great! I was worried about being stuck at the hospital again with no access to a phone and only the internet wi-fi as my friend. :)

Marc seems to be calm about everything but you can tell he's worried about what's going to happen to me while he's in surgery and recovering. So, I just need to convince him that I will be okay and to worry about himself. Which he'd never do. Any time he expresses anything it's, "Well, what will you do?"

As you can see, I have a lot of randomness on my mind but that is where I am right now. I figured an update was due.

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