The Party is Over

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The Party is Over

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orange-698534_640I guess, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that the high I felt from my wonderful surprise 6oth birthday would fade. I had hoped it signified a turning point, a point where I realized that I had so many people who loved me, I had no reason to feel so lost and alone.

I was wrong, the air has gone out of the helium balloons and with it, I have deflated also to my sad self, the one that cries, the one that mourns, even though I know the love is around me.

I am not the one who was stricken, I am walking on two feet, and using two good hands and seeing with two good eyes, and talking and living just as I was before this happened to my hubby. Yet I feel stricken, lost in the world of what may never be, the lonely days of longing for a companion I have had for 28 years. Yes, he is still alive, and yes, I have a lot to be thankful for. He can eat, and dress and toilet himself, there are no big medical crisis, no machines keeping him alive. I have no one else to take care of but him. Yet here I am, back into the deflation of my hopes and dreams.

As  I watch him sleeping, I am happy he is at peace, oblivious to the selfish struggle I go through on a daily basis, trying so hard to remain upbeat and hopeful. Sometimes I wish I could just leave him sleep, to not have to wake him back up to the life I am sure he would never have wanted. And then I feel guilty all over again.

 

 

 

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TiredButDetermined

I love that you are honestly sharing how you are feeling, and that you found a safe place to do so. It seems like we spend so much time & energy painting on a smile, trying to convince everyone (including ourselves!) that everything is just fine. And you know what, sometimes it's NOT just fine! Let it out, we are here to listen.

Hussy

I'm so glad that you are blogging, Louise, and that you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with us. Feelings that, while difficult to experience, are perfectly understandable given everything you have been through.