The Perfect Storm

Lark

The Perfect Storm

Lark
I never cease to be amazed by how well I can be managing my life as a full-time caregiver and within a matter of hours be blown completely off course.

I have a physical problem that happens on some kind of regularity. I can feel it coming on but have not found a way to stop it. It is one of those things where doctors just scratch their heads and have no explanation. It is a lot like restless legs but it happens from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. My muscles pull and feel as if my body is being controlled by a force that I cannot control. My thinking becomes fuzzy and every part of me is involved. I do stretches, use a muscle vibrator, endless experiments in how to stretch. My lower back hurts. It is awful. It lasts for about 4 days and then goes away.

When it started this time I was beginning to realize that my husband was experiencing a decline with FTD symptoms. He was less able to get himself around, needed help getting up and down, less cogent and had a major adult diaper rash. His incontinence was off the the chain. It was a tough few days and my body was not ready nor was my mind. I was vulnerable and I felt out of control. Who would help me?

At the same time a couple of guys from church were going to pick up a chair I bought and take a couch out to the dump. Wonderful of them to do that for us and I appreciated it but I freaked out because my house is a mess and I felt shame and low self-esteem. I didn't want them to see it. I called a girlfriend who reminded me of what I was trying to do in my life and how there is only so much time and she did not hold back on letting me know I needed to be me and let other people deal with it. So, I did just as she said and they brought the chair and I love it but the freak out before it was a real and troubling meltdown.

The stuff stopped in my body. My husband is leveled out at his new plateau. I hear the storm clouds rumbling as the perfect storm moves away from us and the sun starts to shine a bit. I know we will have another one. I hate them but we got through this one and we will get through whatever comes our way. I use to think I was bullet-proof. I was a tough cookie...could handle anything. Caregiving has proven to me that I am a vulnerable human being who needs others to help me on my way. I am so glad that insanity has passed for now and I love all my caregiving friends who stand by and share with me. I am thankful for each of you. I love you in my life.

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CathyJ

I love this comment: \"Caregiving has proven to me that I am a vulnerable human being who needs others to help me on my way.\" Probably one of the most challenging parts of caregiving for many of us is to acknowledge and accept the vulnerability and be open to the help. The journey certainly causes me to step back and re-asses what matters most and it has come down the relationships. I truly understand the feelings about your house and the frustration in not having it to a standard you used to have.....and I also appreciate the beauty of the statement of acknowledging that when the storm has passed you still have each other. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing and reminding me that there is calm, there are storms, and there is today.