The Real Deal

Bob

The Real Deal

Bob
a plate of a whole meatloaf garnished with a s...I can't pretend that what is happening is not real. Or that it is a nightmare from which I will awaken and breathe a sigh of relief. No, this is the real deal. It's something I thought would never happen. But why should I be immune.

I hear your voice, my beautiful bride, when you used to say, "Life can change in an instant." Naaaaahhhh... that happens to other people not me. Remember when we used to get into these deep, sometimes silly conversations about which one of us would be better dying first. "Yeah," you would say, "You'll hook up with the first woman that brings you a meatloaf." "God, don't I get any credit," I would reply. I'll probably go to a Trappist Monastery, I would say.

Fast forward.

We're here facing death in the eyes. How do you practice for this. No defenses to hide behind. When you seemed to be at death's door, so was I. How would I go on. I wanted to run away because I couldn't take the pain. I had to promise myself that despite being overwhelmed and mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually sick, that I would show up every day for you and for what needed doing.

It's gotten better. I feel stronger in my being from "having been" thus far on this journey. Thank God that God is there like He promised to be there with a soothing balm when I'm feeling out of control, angry, depressed, anxious, fearful, immobile; paralyzed and not a clue what to do next with a multitude of tasks--most of which don't need to be done today.

Well, I'm beginning to practice what I'm learning from my new friends at Caregiving.com  You're by my side. You are still contributing. We're both scared. I promise that I'll be with you until the end, God willing.

I always wanted to go first but I guess God had other plans. 50-50 buddy, my wedding ring says, engraved inside--our little joke. It's still 50-50 because giving is receiving.

Good night love, Robert

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Bob

Sorry for the typos everyone....

Bob

Yes Sunshine, I see a psychiatrist for meds also andsince I have Bipolar Disorder II siagnosed sevral years ago, I will be on thme the rest of my life. Thank god for psychopharmacolgy and good psychiatrists like the one I have had since 1981 whose been with me through thick and thin. However, I need to see someone more often to address caregivng issues etc. Ys, I'm talking and reminiscing with her as much as I can to help in hers and my grief process and for the memories I will be able to treasure.

Bob

Funny story abou the meatloaf Sunshine. Reminds me that Adele would often ask me how she looked with what she put on when we went out. Well, she always looked beautiful to me with what she wore. One time, though, she put something on that I felt did not do her justice and I told her. She laughed and said, \"do you really mean it.\" I said, \"well, you wouldn't want me to say yes and mean no just to please you.\" Well, it was funny at the time....she thought I would just say it looked great like a lot of guys so they don't get in touble and end up in the doghouse. Heeee-heeeee

Bob

Thank you so much Denise. I'm very happy if what I write helps give words to theri experience. Yes, I want to print the two most recent blogs and read them to her. She really wants to hear and see what I wrote. I think it helps her feel like she can still contribute to the world around her and feel a sense of meaning and purpose. Thank you for your wishes. Adele is so grateful I have a place to go for support and thanks you from the bottom of her heart. Peace be with you always also......Bob

Bob

Thanks Trish!!! It is the members and this site which creates a sacred space to feel safe to be open and honest. Yes, we so give courage and strenght to each other here. Peace be with you today and always.....Bob

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