The Real Deal

a plate of a whole meatloaf garnished with a s...I can't pretend that what is happening is not real. Or that it is a nightmare from which I will awaken and breathe a sigh of relief. No, this is the real deal. It's something I thought would never happen. But why should I be immune.

I hear your voice, my beautiful bride, when you used to say, "Life can change in an instant." Naaaaahhhh... that happens to other people not me. Remember when we used to get into these deep, sometimes silly conversations about which one of us would be better dying first. "Yeah," you would say, "You'll hook up with the first woman that brings you a meatloaf." "God, don't I get any credit," I would reply. I'll probably go to a Trappist Monastery, I would say.

Fast forward.

We're here facing death in the eyes. How do you practice for this. No defenses to hide behind. When you seemed to be at death's door, so was I. How would I go on. I wanted to run away because I couldn't take the pain. I had to promise myself that despite being overwhelmed and mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually sick, that I would show up every day for you and for what needed doing.

It's gotten better. I feel stronger in my being from "having been" thus far on this journey. Thank God that God is there like He promised to be there with a soothing balm when I'm feeling out of control, angry, depressed, anxious, fearful, immobile; paralyzed and not a clue what to do next with a multitude of tasks--most of which don't need to be done today.

Well, I'm beginning to practice what I'm learning from my new friends at  You're by my side. You are still contributing. We're both scared. I promise that I'll be with you until the end, God willing.

I always wanted to go first but I guess God had other plans. 50-50 buddy, my wedding ring says, engraved inside--our little joke. It's still 50-50 because giving is receiving.

Good night love, Robert

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