The Truth

I am not so keen on the truth at the moment. I chafe at the bit in my mouth. The reins are held tightly, pulling at me, holding me back from my daydreams of running, feeling healthy and free of distress in my body. As the years pass I experience a deep disappointment in my body and all I have missed.

No one sees the cruel restraints. No one knows my deepest cravings. No one knows the relentless straining at the bit and surrendering to the tension over and over again. I have let go and let go and let go of so much of what I wanted for myself. Tonight I am frustrated and hating this enemy, this nemesis who holds the reins and controls the tension and has no compassion or mercy for the dreams I watch slipping by one after the other. 

Dreams of long walks, camping, breathing long, deep breaths of air every day, a release in my chest, no sore throat, no exhaustion, free of the impatience illness breeds,the anger that grows so quickly into a wild rage and, most of all, the ugliness and infectious growth of self-pity. Oh yes, self-pity fueled by my dwelling on the dreams I have watched passing by. Self-pity conjured up as I sit, even now, feeling the illness in my body. It has been with me so long, with brief respites teasing me into a false sense of hope, and a delicious rush of excitement at the idea of being free.

Tonight I am experiencing the fight against the system that has besieged my body for a very long time. The fight is not for the release of the bit in my mouth or for the return of good health.

The fight is for a victory nothing can defeat. The cost of this battle is the surrender of my hopes, dreams, and desires associated with physical health. The victory is surrendering to win. Letting go of all that angers me, frustrates me, creates that wallowing self-pity and relaxing with the bit in my mouth, relaxing with the tight rein and the absence of a plan of my own. The victory bears a high cost. The surrender removes the burden of that cost.  Nothing will change yet everything will change.

I am learning. I want to be content in whatsoever situation I find myself. Paul wrote of that in the Bible. He suffered greatly and he rejoiced with abandonment in the face of suffering. He wrote that he learned patience. This is why I know I can wean myself off of the unhealthy staring at what could have been or could be and living in the truth as it is today. I can learn from all the angst and the loss of freedom and dreams unfulfilled. I can be content in whatsoever situation I find myself. I have a powerful example in Paul and I want what he learned. But, it is not easy and I don't come towards it jumping with joy. The only way I can come to it is through surrender. I am facing a clear choice. Hold on to my disappointments and frustrations about my health or let them go and live free and content just as I am.

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