This Is My Struggle Some Days

Mamadanz

This Is My Struggle Some Days

Mamadanz
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This is sometimes my biggest struggle.

I find that through this journey -- especially this leg of the journey with my husband -- I build an armor around myself to protect myself  or at least I think I'm protecting myself.

My armor is a steely demeanor and slow to show feelings. Sometimes others think I'm cold-hearted or rude.  But I'm just protecting myself. At least I think so.

I don't necessarily like it but crying every day (or multiple times a day) is something I like a lot less. It affects my health adversely. Plus crying never solved anything.

I find that I often snap at my husband, or am sharp in my comments. I don't try to justify it....that only causes an argument.

His memory is horrible, as I've made mention before. I see a correlation between that and the anesthesia he has had over the years for various tests and procedures. He sees only the memory lapses and is frustrated by them. And while I intrinsically understand they are not under his control, I find myself snapping when I answer the same question/comment for the twelfth time in the last two hours.

I pray for grace.

I pray for compassion.

I pray that I am still "me" when it's time that I can finally shed my armor and that the me I truly am has not disappeared forever.

I pray that somewhere in there he knows that, under my armor, I still love him.