This Is My Struggle Some Days


This Is My Struggle Some Days


This is sometimes my biggest struggle.

I find that through this journey -- especially this leg of the journey with my husband -- I build an armor around myself to protect myself  or at least I think I'm protecting myself.

My armor is a steely demeanor and slow to show feelings. Sometimes others think I'm cold-hearted or rude.  But I'm just protecting myself. At least I think so.

I don't necessarily like it but crying every day (or multiple times a day) is something I like a lot less. It affects my health adversely. Plus crying never solved anything.

I find that I often snap at my husband, or am sharp in my comments. I don't try to justify it....that only causes an argument.

His memory is horrible, as I've made mention before. I see a correlation between that and the anesthesia he has had over the years for various tests and procedures. He sees only the memory lapses and is frustrated by them. And while I intrinsically understand they are not under his control, I find myself snapping when I answer the same question/comment for the twelfth time in the last two hours.

I pray for grace.

I pray for compassion.

I pray that I am still "me" when it's time that I can finally shed my armor and that the me I truly am has not disappeared forever.

I pray that somewhere in there he knows that, under my armor, I still love him.

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It strikes me that you are your true self when you write. I think the armor drops through your written words, it's the time you allow yourself to process and reflect and to be who you are.\r\n\r\nI just love your blogs, MD. I'm so glad you share them with us. Keep writing. We know how hard it is. I hope you can let go of some of the struggle with us.


(((Hugs))) I sometimes worry about what's happening with me. I cry like a baby for no apparent reason...and when I really need it, the tears won't come. I worry that I'm losing the kind, loving person I always thought I was. However lonely you may feel, you are never alone. Do whatever you must, to keep it together and keep your sanity. I and many many others will be praying for you, each other, and ourselves.