To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Casandra Porter

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Casandra Porter
cute-sleepin-7__bigIn the last couple months I have had severe insomnia. I mean, I've had it since Marc got sick but there were days when I was able to get at least four to six hours combined of some rest. Wednesday, I had a great night's sleep. One I didn't think would ever come. Mainly because I had to stay up over 48 hours before I slept from pure exhaustion. But it happened and I slept.

It hasn't helped that the last few weeks I've been sick. I know that I am feeling sick because I am so tired and haven't been eating the best. I've been working on that, too.

I just all comes down to the amazing amount of stress I thought would be lifted from me with this move that has been subsequently added upon. Truly and honestly, I am just so full of anger about so many things right now that I can't do anything but seethe about them. I can't let things go. It used to be so easy to just brush things off but now that things directly involve the health of my husband and whether or not we'll end up staring at hospital walls again or worse, everything and I do mean EVERYTHING makes me uncontrollably mad.

Most of the time when I am caught in one of these rage moments, no one knows. It's all in my head. But I get furious. Then I end up with a headache, a stomach ache, feeling dizzy and unable to relax enough to sleep. And it all happens or hits me when I am lying in bed at night, ready to relax. Instead of relaxing, I rage. It's sad because I am not this person.

But what I do realize is that there is so much that has happened to me (not just with Marc) in the last year and a half that I haven't even begun to deal with.

My father passing away is one. And thinking about the fact that his birthday is on the 17th of this month makes me angry, too.

So, I realize, this anger is a stage of grieving. One that I completely skipped with my father's death and Marc's illness. I just skipped it. Trying to remain positive and calm and collected and happy so that no one else had to experience what I was feeling inside. And I know I am going to have to let it run its course but I just wish it would run its  course soon.

I am ready to move on from this stage and back to feeling myself. I feel like the anger is all consuming and I can't see anything beyond it. And that is simply no way for me to spend what time I have left with Marc.

And really, I just want a good night's sleep.

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Casandra Porter

Thank you, Pegi! The grief of losing a parent is horrible. But I try so hard not to focus on the loss but rather what he has taught me so I can get through the things we are dealing with right now. But it's very hard. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you are soon able to grieve for your mother, as well.

Casandra Porter

I don't have a lot of people that I can really talk to. I've tried discussing it on occasion but I have way too many people in my life who are self-absorbed and the conversation immediately reverts back to them without even really the acknowledgement of me having a problem. I kind of feel like I am alone in all this. And I can't burden my husband with it. I try to talk to him about some things but he worries enough as it is.

ejourneys

Hi, Casandra -- You've been dealing with so much piling up from all directions, plus the grief that sneaks in through the back door. That's an incredible amount.\r\n\r\nYears ago I had a fantasy \"rage room.\" One end had shelves of plain glass cups. When I needed to, I entered this room (lying down, eyes closed in real life) and just grabbed hold of one cup after another and threw them with all my might, watching and hearing them shatter against the opposite wall.\r\n\r\nAnd, since it was my fantasy, there was no danger of cuts and I didn't have to clean anything up. :-) It was very cathartic and healing for me. I haven't \"been there\" in a long time, but I know it's there if/when I need it again.\r\n\r\nIn case it might help, I found this recording of breaking glass: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxMcQRZ62Fc\r\n\r\n(((Hugs))) I wish you much healing and good, restful sleep.

Denise

Hi Casandra--You are so smart to consider the source of the anger. It seems that the anger is about how much you are hurting. You've had so many painful situations--it's understandable that you are in pain. I wonder what could help you heal?\r\n\r\nI hope you are able to sleep soundly and peacefully, just like that cute kitten. :)