To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Casandra Porter

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Casandra Porter
cute-sleepin-7__bigIn the last couple months I have had severe insomnia. I mean, I've had it since Marc got sick but there were days when I was able to get at least four to six hours combined of some rest. Wednesday, I had a great night's sleep. One I didn't think would ever come. Mainly because I had to stay up over 48 hours before I slept from pure exhaustion. But it happened and I slept.

It hasn't helped that the last few weeks I've been sick. I know that I am feeling sick because I am so tired and haven't been eating the best. I've been working on that, too.

I just all comes down to the amazing amount of stress I thought would be lifted from me with this move that has been subsequently added upon. Truly and honestly, I am just so full of anger about so many things right now that I can't do anything but seethe about them. I can't let things go. It used to be so easy to just brush things off but now that things directly involve the health of my husband and whether or not we'll end up staring at hospital walls again or worse, everything and I do mean EVERYTHING makes me uncontrollably mad.

Most of the time when I am caught in one of these rage moments, no one knows. It's all in my head. But I get furious. Then I end up with a headache, a stomach ache, feeling dizzy and unable to relax enough to sleep. And it all happens or hits me when I am lying in bed at night, ready to relax. Instead of relaxing, I rage. It's sad because I am not this person.

But what I do realize is that there is so much that has happened to me (not just with Marc) in the last year and a half that I haven't even begun to deal with.

My father passing away is one. And thinking about the fact that his birthday is on the 17th of this month makes me angry, too.

So, I realize, this anger is a stage of grieving. One that I completely skipped with my father's death and Marc's illness. I just skipped it. Trying to remain positive and calm and collected and happy so that no one else had to experience what I was feeling inside. And I know I am going to have to let it run its course but I just wish it would run its  course soon.

I am ready to move on from this stage and back to feeling myself. I feel like the anger is all consuming and I can't see anything beyond it. And that is simply no way for me to spend what time I have left with Marc.

And really, I just want a good night's sleep.

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