Torn

Lisa

Torn

Lisa
crack-248652_640The word "torn" is on my mind this early morning.

It seems to me that a thin paper reminds me of the fragile health of our loved ones. Each time there's a change, an incident, or a sickness, there is a tear. Another section torn out of this larger than life sheet it once was.

I'm so torn about Dad. His health is deteriorating. He still has no primary care physician, we need one that will do home visits and there's only one in the area. Last time I called she wasn't taking new patients due to a staffing shortage. I'm calling again tomorrow.

I know that to get any type of home health care, or new equipment, or any referral he has to have a doctor. You would have thought that one would have been assigned or recommended in that fiasco of a hospital adventure we had a few months ago. Nope, they weren't even concerned. Their concern was he was no longer taking 20 meds a day and had been doing fine. It breaks my heart, he's so weak. If I can get him up, I can't always get him back to bed. Tonight I couldn't and we had to wait on my daughter to help when she got home from work. She had to physically pick him up and put him in his wheelchair. He's so frail, fragile. His skin is thin, he has to wear diapers pretty much all the time. I know this is not the life he planned on.

I try to keep his spirits high but it's hard. Tonight was a hard night for occupying his time. No Atlanta Braves game to perk him up. Sometimes I wish I could keep him forever. But I also realize how selfish that is for me when he's so tired.

April 26, the day after his birthday, Mom will be gone six years and that's when this journey of caregiving began for us. It's a long time to care for someone, and a long time for someone to be alone. I've tried my best to keep him engaged, entertained and happy during this time.

Today I just haven't felt like I've done a very good job. Just some early morning rambling while I'm finishing my peppermint tea. Praying for a better tomorrow when the sun comes up. Bless you all.

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4 Comments

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Hansolosgirl

You are doing a wonderful job and you are recognizing where you are in caregiving. It's so hard but I think your head is in the right place. Possibly make a call to hospice because of his age they can direct you and possibly get him a dr. Immediately. My grandma was on for years because of her age alone...it may be worth a call. Remember to just keep him on his same meds, DO NOT CHANGE them if he goes on that service. They work for you and YOU call the shots....all you need is their support.

gena Haynes

I felt your message deeply in \"Torn\" and I could relate as I take care of my Mother. I am praying for you knowing your strength comes from above. God bless you...

jan

You are the Good and Faithful Servant, and your father could ask for no more. It is such heartache to see frailty come, and if you could fix it, you would, but you can't so you are doing the very best next thing, and that is loving with all your heart.

EllysGdaughter

Dear Lisa,\r\nThis month makes 5 years of living with my Grandma and I do understand how lonely our parents/grandparents are even after 5 or 6 years after loss or caregiving begins. I wish I could loan you my Roku which streams programs so you can pick and choose even old programs to watch. I am sure your Dad appreciates your care but you are right, he didn't really anticipate having to live like this. Your comfort and care says volumes to him about the love you still have for him in his fragile state. You are the best caregiver for your Dad, giving him respect and concern for his physical and emotional needs! Praying that you will find an opening with the Doctor soon!