Un-Tough

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Un-Tough

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stormy-sky-183576_640Today is November 2nd. Dia de los Muertos for me, All Souls Day for some. It's also the one month anniversary of my mom dying. You might suppose that I'd be praying alone in the quiet church before the beautiful statue of our Lady of Guadalupe. Or holed up in my room, thumbing through the vast pile of old photos Dad gave me. But, no. I'm here again. In the hospital where Mom died. One month ago.

Grandma has PT today. I have to drive directly past the window of the ICU room where Mom spent her last days. And it's harder than I could ever have imagined.

I used to think I was a tough, strong, fearless woman. This time  in my life has proven how very wrong I was. In my life, I've endured, and overcome things I never thought I'd have to face. I'd prove to myself, again and again, how strong and brave I could be when I needed to. And how God's love would sustain me throughout.

I don't feel so strong these days. Much less brave. And while I know God is still with me, I don't feel His presence. For the first time ever, I begin to understand how some people simply break from the weight of their grief. How oblivion can seem like a good, desirable thing.  For  the first time in years, I've been tempted to buy myself a 12 pack, and drink myself insensible.

I haven't of course. And I most likely won't. But the idea has an appeal that is hard to deny. I haven't forgotten that doing such a thing would only be exchanging one pain for another.

I am just dreading the coming holidays. And if I still feel like this after New Year's day, I will probably seek a referral to a, ahem, "mental health specialist."

Thanks for letting me unload. You've no idea how grateful I am.

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Desiree

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, God is always with me. A very good thing, as there are simply no shortcuts, no easy way through this.

BeccaB

This particular part of your path is very rough. I see a GOOD and kind woman who continues to help her grandmother no matter how difficult. You haven't given up on grandmother so please don't give up on yourself either. God is still there; his promises do not change. You don't need to be tough, but please don't give up. \r\n\r\nI too dread the holidays... I decided i'll take the easy way out (no baking etc.). Nothing wrong with doing less.\r\n\r\nA big hug for you on a new day!