( sorry for the grammar and/or spelling )

I have not been on here for three years! Its a long time and not much has changed. I need to start posting more, and start talking to others like me. I notice that I log in here when im drained, subconsciously this helps. Its late, I should be studying for a test but I need to release some stuff. I moved out of my moms, started to see a therapist, and im still working on my degree. Im trying to think of what my therapist would say but its not working. My mom lost her hearing a weak ago, after 2 hospital visits they found nothing. A part of me thinks that she might be faking it, or she wants attention. I rather want her faking then it being real. I have 2 test this week, and my mom has appointments everyday. She called me earlier ( I came home) she wanted to go to the hospital again because she started hearing music that wasnt there. I went to calm her down, and laid with her until she fell asleep. I know there is something wrong because my mom is NOT patient, and she was willing to sit in a hospital again was serious. I dont know what I will do if it is like this forever. She stares off into space and randomly answers questions that werent asked. If I ask her something, she will think I said something very different. Im failing a class, I didnt get my homework done in time. My mind is going everywhere! My grandmother passed away a month ago, and I believe that my father over medicated her. He tried to kill my mother once, and my grandmas story sounds so familiar. He is in jail for 2nd degree murder but it is not for my grandmother. I feel terrible for not being there for her. She was miserable. I should of gone to Bisbee, packed her stuff, and get her a new place away from crazy people.  Im going off topic, but there is so much. I did EMDR with my therapist and oh man!! I was so young when my mom got sick. I also got raped and I am soooo scared to work on that with EMDR. I am working on moving from that part of my life, I need to accept it and work on my future. Its interesting to read these post years after I post them.

Am I the only caregiver that feels like screaming when things pile up? Im going crazy. Or maybe I already am. Being a young caregiver, doctors see me as ignorant and unorganized. On Thursday, I have never felt so useless when we went to get my mother bi-weekly injection. My mothers endocrinologist wanted to see my mother because she lost her hearing. This doctor expected me to remember everything about my moms health. I was not planning on a doctors visit so I did not have my planner. She requested my mother to be seen at the hospital we were at, and asked me "why didnt you bring her to this hospital in the first place". She didnt seem to happy with the care I was giving my mother so she took charge. All of that had me thinking if I am not doing things correctly. I do think I lost my "touch", I gave up. I honestly dont even know where the planner is! I definitely lost my motivation for school and work. What if I am the reason my mom is getting sick? I try my best to stay calm but I have been loosing it. I feel terrible for getting angry at her while it is not her fault. I cannot imagine how my life would be like without being my mothers caregiver, then why did I give up. Both of my sisters grew up with both parents as wealthy children. I was somewhat included in that fortune but I was young. If my mom never got sick, she would still be running that AC business, and I would be a brat. Ugh I would be just like my sisters, possibly worse. I have experienced so much, that I feel like I am 40 years old. Life itself is exhausting!

I always wonder if this is how my life is cut out to be. Was my mom supposed to get sick, what about my dad leaving? When I was in 3rd grade, I was in a coma for a week. Was I suppose to out live that experience to help my mother? I guess it would be nice if I had a mom and dad. Parents that support me with my career choices. Im somewhat glad I am where I am. I have seen my mother so sick that she was breathing with tubes down her throat, she urinated herself, and unable to get up out of bed. People can see that as her life ending slowly, but I see her as a powerful women. Before my mom got sick she ran an AC business in AZ, Las Vegas, and Texas which shows that she is very dominant and fearless. Seeing her laying there like that was depressing. I have was always able to hide my emotions, and I would let them out when the doors closed. Seeing my mother so discombobulated is bringing back those same feelings as I felt in 2008. How do I deal with emotions that I am not comfortable with. My therapist once said to "get comfortable with being uncomfortable" . If my family sees me getting  worried about my mom, things wont end well. I am looked up to, so if I seem okay then my moms health is okay. If I start breaking, crying, and screaming in front of them then they will all notice that my mom is not doing to well. I dont know how long I can keep the "everything is okay" mask on. Im so stressed, im driving myself crazy. I have my moms health, doctors, labs, meds, nurse visits, hospital, chiropractor, homework, exams/quizzes, therapy, bills, my dentist apts, and I have to attend class. And I tutor part time.

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Crystal, I remember you from three years ago and how very much you had accomplished then. I can really understand why you would feel overwhelmed and stressed from carrying all these concerns and responsibilities for so long and wanting everything to be right. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, and you are trying to focus on the things you are hearing there. Thank you for coming back and sharing your story with us. I hope blogging gives you a little support and understanding that lifts your burdens.


Crystal, thanks for coming back and sharing your journey. The support and care here helps so much for those times we feel loss. Hugs.


Please keep coming back. No one is walking the same path that you are. We each have a uniqueness to our personal journey. But for a brief time, we converge and share and vent. I have found this site and the chats to be most comforting. For now, it is my sanity on this insane journey.