Walking in Twilight

Lark

Walking in Twilight

Lark
Today was a busy day. Many of my days are busy, of course, but today had a bit of travel in it and meeting a couple of new people who are looking down the long caregiving journey now. My feet hurt nearly all day every day. They cramp and I feel as if I am walking on a bumpy road. I made a doctor's appointment with a podiatrist finally. I can't do it anymore. The discomfort distracts me from everything I want and need to do in a day. My husband had a short plateau and is now in another decline and the sorrow and the adjustments to the ever-shortening new normals prove to be exhausting and challenging. Daily life threads itself in between the caregiving moments, the aching body moments, the moments of recognizing that the month is lasting longer than the money and the ever-present sense that the sand is slipping through the timer at an increasing speed. I am sleep deprived most of the time. I am home so much of the time that being out among people creates some truly hilarious moments as my mind skips along at a pace different from many of my friends. My friends are wonderful and they don't care and they think I am funny and probably have always been a lot this way. I don't remember. Maybe I have always been this way. Certainly, I am fully entrenched in this drifting along in my own world of caregiving and isolation blended with times of socializing "out there" with the "others". My mind has formed the habit of wandering off by itself leaving conversations with others in mid-sentence. My body is present. My mind has taken a hike and those are the times when a sense of humor is an absolute must.

Sleep deprivation creates the twilight I find myself in most days. I wonder if I will ever experience the benefits of resting through an entire night. My system seems hard-wired now. There is a vigilance born out of countless nights and days of being "on call". I am sixty-six years old but I am in my own private battle zone of caring for someone who may or may not wander during the night or who may call out my name. Any sleep is light and often full of dreams in which I wander from place to place and person to person trying to get my bearings.

It is a strange world, this twilight world of mine. It slipped up on me. Today I realized how long my husband and I have been on this journey and I am proud of us. I am in awe of us. And that is just about all the thought I can hold for now.

and the beat goes on...