What Do I Do with the Tears?

lookingheavenward

What Do I Do with the Tears?

lookingheavenward
rainy-day-868411Things came to a head today...as has been happening as of late.

Mom has bravely endured two months with no pain medication. It has been the worst nightmare, more than I can even put into words. She can't take it any longer and so we are trying new meds to see if we can ease even a tiny bit of her agony. We have tried two medications and neither worked. I had called the doctor three different times in the last few days to try and get new meds.

Mom has been in so much agony and she is desperate for anything that might bring some relief. She asked me to again call the doctor and the pharmacy this afternoon and I said that she needs to not panic and just calm down, the doctor hadn't called anything in yet and that I am doing everything that I can.

I ended up hurting her feelings (my tone was harsh), which breaks my heart. I apologized for "biting" at her and asked her forgiveness. She forgave me but wasn't the same after that.

I fear she doesn't have the strength to fight anymore. She said everything I am doing is just not enough anymore, nothing can help her anymore, and she is giving up the fight. She told me to just stop fighting. She has decided that she just isn't going to talk about what is going on anymore. She won't complain anymore and just won't talk to me about what is going on anymore. She is giving up.

Needless to say, I am beyond broken hearted. I know this is the pain talking, and I know she wants to live, but right now, the pain is so all encompassing-she just can't think anymore. I have been crying for five hours. I am just so tired. This last seven months have been SO draining and I feel we are both just breaking down under the weight of it all. I called the doctor again and he finally called me back. He called in three medications to see if they will help. I called the pharmacist as they were about to close, thankfully she knows me personally and she worked her magic and got them ready in under an hour and I was able to get to the pharmacy 15 minutes before they closed. Worker's Comp okay'd two of the three meds so I brought them home.

I got Mom to take one of the medications...she doesn't want to take the other. She is acting like an empty shell. She just doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want me to help her with anything. I feel like she is shutting me out. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to be brave, and to not take this personally, my head knows this is the pain and exhaustion--she has been strong for SO long.

I know I need to give her time and space, but my heart is revolting and wants to be there with her, sharing her pain and agony, crying with her, comforting her, letting her know I am fighting for her, I am with her, I won't leave her. She doesn't want me in her room. So I am laying in the next room, shedding silent tears, praying for her. I cried talking to the doctor, I cried all the way to the pharmacy, I cried while talking to the pharmacist, I cried all the way home, I cried while giving Mom her meds, I cried while emptying the dish washer, I cried while petting the cat, and I am crying while typing this.

What do I do with all these tears? They will not stop--it is like the tears of the last seven months, no the last 15 years, all of them are coming out. What do I do with the agony in my heart? It hurts to breathe. I know we are not alone, I know the Lord is right here with us, holding us in His hands. I know He is in control and has a plan. I am comforting my heart with these truths. I know the pain will ease, the tears will stop, I know Mom and I will be reconciled.

I just need to be brave keep fighting. This is a dark night but nights don't last forever. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Please keep us in your prayers, we need them desperately.

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lookingheavenward

Thank you <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/denise/' rel=\"nofollow\">@denise</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/hussy/' rel=\"nofollow\">@hussy</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/colette/' rel=\"nofollow\">@colette</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/janshriver/' rel=\"nofollow\">@janshriver</a>, <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/worriedwife/' rel=\"nofollow\">@worriedwife</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/lilmagill/' rel=\"nofollow\">@lilmagill</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/gena/' rel=\"nofollow\">@gena</a> <a href='http://www.caregiving.com/members/jmkeslin/' rel=\"nofollow\">@jmkeslin</a> so very much, things are much better, each of your responses blessed my heart so much!

gena Haynes

I feel your tears and your pain. I am praying for you as I try to take care of my Mother as well. Getting pain medication can be quite a battle and you are being so strong. I feel guilty for my behavior for my struggle has not been nearly as hard as yours. Know that there are those of us struggling with you and wiping away the same tears. God bless you.

LilMagill

My heart goes out to you, lookingheavenward. I know how much your relationship with your mom means to you, and I can imagine how frightening it is to feel that she's shutting you out. I agree that the best thing to do with tears is to cry them out, no matter how long it takes. You are doing an absolutely amazing job. I hope and pray that you and your mom both will have better days ahead soon.

jan

My heart is heavy when I read your post over and over, recalling all your other posts from past months, when you did more than the best you could do to help your mom's life improve. I wish I could swoop in and change everything, I wish I could take all the sadness and pain away. I wish I could help you carry your load. You do have everything it takes to walk through this part of your lives together. Thinking of you this morning and hoping the new medicines give her a little relief, some hope.

Ladyleo

I am so sorry to read of the pain which your dear mother is going through. That must be incredibly tough to see and realize and you obviously feel helpless to be able to end her pain and to see her comfortable at least. I don't know what's wrong with your mom which is causing her so much physical pain but I believe that tears and needing and wanting to cry is one of the best release valves which our creator blessed us with so if you feel you need to cry - open the flood gates and let it all come out!. \r\n\r\nThere are no magical 'psychological healing' pills which we, the carers can take when our loved ones are in pain. Now you are in need of a whole lot of self love, understanding and compassion towards the suffering *you* are going through watching your dear mom being so ill. \r\n\r\nPlease know that I am sending you my cyber prayers which crosses time and space that you will find the courage and peace you so obviously need in this very challenging time in your life. \r\n\r\nSending you love and light xoxo\r\n\r\nColette

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