When Respite Is Not Enough

crystal

When Respite Is Not Enough

crystal
help-153094_640I'm 20 years old. Let's start there.

My mom is 47 years old and has a brain tumor. It's just me and her. She has had seizures, surgeries, strokes, and heart attacks. Her left side is somewhat paralyzed. She is now able to walk with a leg brace and a cane. I love my mom with all my heart. Taking care of her over the past few years has made our relationship stronger then ever. I have seen her at her weakest and then she made it this far. I understand that she is not herself anymore since everything that has happened.

I try so hard not to let all of it get to me. She doesn't know when to stop her negativity. Everything is about her. We have been fighting daily for about three months. I have been holding it all in. I feel like I'm not as strong as I was before. I need to fix it. I need to get back on track.

Anyone have any advice? I have no one to go to for help. They all made it pretty clear that they don't want to be involved. I really need my patience back. Everyday it gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her like if she was my child, but my child is starting to rebel. Every argument we get into, turns out to be my fault, or my attitude. I'm going to college and I don't have time to be doing everything she wants to anymore.

I need to start my life. It is impossible for her to realize that I cant be here 24/7. Someone help!!!!

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Cjdt

I hope you find help with your mom n are able to conduct your own life ax well I send hope n prayers to you..cjdat

crystal

i am working on getting her in an adult day center for once a week. umm my mom is a bit different. she is very picky and stubborn. she always plays the pity party and i do not like it at all. or the guilt trip. i really cant handle it anymore. She always tells me that im turning out just like my father. i didnt abandon her. i tried talking to her. we have been through so many caregivers and no one can handle her but me. an example is that if i dont want to take care of her then i can \"lock\" her up and never visit and not attend her funeral. I cannot stand that! i do have power of attorney, i can put her away really quick, but i wouldnt do that to her. i already feel like crying thinking about it. i try my best to please her, but she is never pleased or blessed with what she has!. i do go to church and i always ask for the strength and patience, but each day gets worse. My uncle is my pastor... sad to say but everyone always thinks that i have it under control. They know that i used to take anti depressants . they see me ,sad, angry, or exhausted and they never even ask if i need anything. i went to California for 1 day. Then i had to come back because my mom pressed her life alert to go to the hospital. i offered my older sister 80$ to go with her mother and help her. well she was to busy! . im really fed up holding in my emotions. its been years. i already missed my teenage years. its sad to say that i picture myself still here, 5 years from now. nothing will change. i just need to shake off this feeling.

Goldie

Hi Crystal,\nDitto to everything Denise said. I.. and most of us know, what it's like to be the one called on for everything. Those feelings, a combination of guilt, pride, love, frustration, anger, and a mish mash that's not easily sorted out can make it really tough to remain patient. I know. I'm feeling the same way now. Keep us posted, we don't mind when you need to yell.

Hussy

Denise has given you some very good advice. The only thing I have to add is that your local hospital(s) and your state's department of social services may also be good resources for learning about available programs and services. I agree wholeheartedly with Denise that staying in school needs to be at the top of your priority list. There are several caregivers on this site who are or have been in school and can appreciate your feeling torn between your caregiving responsibilities and your desire to further your education. I am one of them. Please keep us updated as you can.

Denise

Hi Crystal! I am so glad you are blogging! Please keep writing--it's a terrific release and a great way to stay connected to others who understand.\n\nHaving enough help is critical. It's awful other family members won't. I can't understand it. That's the awful reality, though. \n\nIt's critical that you remain in college. That's a top priority. It's upsetting that your mom doesn't understand--it's also okay that she doesn't understand. Meaning, you don't have to explain or rationalize or wait for her approval. Just continue with your education.\n\nSo, let's help you find organizations or agencies that will help you so that you can continue with school and can get some additional breaks. \n\nReach out to the local chapter of the America Cancer Society; you can search here to find it: http://www.cancer.org/index\n\nPalliative care may be an option for you, as well. Ask her doctor about palliative care and search for organizations in your community that provide it. You can learn more about it here: http://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/advanced-cancer/care-choices/palliative-care-fact-sheet\n\nI also wonder if you could reach out to local churches in your community for help. It's okay if you're not attending the church, it's still a good idea to check to see if they have any programs or services that could help. \n\nIt also may be helpful to reach out to United Way in your area. United Way funds organizations in your community and may know about a program that can help. \n\nI hope this helps! Please keep us posted and let us know how you're doing.