Who Am I Today?

Colleen

Who Am I Today?

Colleen
question-mark-460869_640Wow! That is all I can say after reading past blogs over the year! It seems my mood swings faster than Tiger Wood's Five Iron. In the past month I have gone from fearful to hopeful, from hopeful to frustrated, frustration led to resentment, resentment boiled over to anger, and now fear has made a come back laced with traces of compassion and resignation.

God's will be done. This has become my mantra. Every sign of frustration and resentment, I sigh and breathe, "God's will be done."

Gregg is still on the couch, though he attempts to move more often. He asks for things, more coffee, more water, etc. I answer, "When was the last time you got up?" If it's been several hours I suggest he gets it himself. Often he remains seated and goes without, this is when my jaw usually tightens and very negative thoughts stomp through me head. If I have company they will jump at his requests, shooting me a look like I am heartless. But he has to move. I would be happy, no thrilled, if he would just stand up every hour, maybe walk to the bathroom and back. But he says he is in too much pain, yet when he sees me frown he adds, "But I'm getting better."

My eyes roll.

I wish medical science would invent a way to measure pain like a thermometer measures a fever. Perhaps I am expecting too much too fast. Maybe he needs more time to heal. But his visiting nurse and physical therapist had him doing so much and when they stopped coming, he stopped doing.

Aside from the pain, his breathing is still congested. While sleeping it is shallow and shudders. This brings on the fear and compassion. Today I sat with him and watched TV, I complied to his requests without resentment. And once he even got up to put away his dishes and asked if I needed anything. I say no thank you, he says I am getting better. Of course you are! Perhaps I am the one who needs to get better.

So who am I today? I would like to be kind, compassionate and patient. I would like to be motivating and encouraging. I want fear, frustration and resentment to go away. If it is God's will, then please let it be done.

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jan

Who are you today? In spite of all victories and defeats, you are The Last Comic Standing. You are the living embodiment of \"The Buck Stops Here\". No one else can say that. Only you, and that is HUGE, a HUGE victory. You've had everything you needed in the past and have everything you need in the present to continue to do the unimaginably important job before you.

anita0419

I think all caregivers and after caregivers go through the emotions that you have and are going through. Yes we have to do tough love, but what if they really can't do what we think they can. It's such a fine balanced line we walk. I agree with Denise about boundaries. When I was caring for my mom, she would start crying which hurt me so much. Finally I kept telling her I would leave if she started to cry. The next time it happened I got up to leave and told her I couldn't take the tears and it was amazing how fast she stopped crying and smiled. I was being played and I knew it but sometimes we don't know if they are playing us. That's when the guilt sets in. Please don't feel guilty. As everyone here says we are doing the best we can. My saying is \"one day at a time\" even now when mom is gone. One day at a time. Take care, Anita

Jean

Colleen, I so \"get\" where you are. I have a sister who has many same behaviors as your husband. My sisters and I go from feeling bad for her real issues, to be furious and just wishing she would die at other times because she will not do anything to help herself (or at least for long). It is a difficult balancing act, and for me making peace with myself as to my limits is best practice but hard to implement consistently! It is very, very hard to when you love someone with these problems.

Denise

Oh, Colleen. It's the age-old question: Am I helping or am I enabling?\r\n\r\nI wonder if it would help if you set some boundaries about how and when you'll help. Perhaps setting boundaries will ensure you are just who you want to be. :)