Who Am I Today?

Colleen

Who Am I Today?

Colleen
question-mark-460869_640Wow! That is all I can say after reading past blogs over the year! It seems my mood swings faster than Tiger Wood's Five Iron. In the past month I have gone from fearful to hopeful, from hopeful to frustrated, frustration led to resentment, resentment boiled over to anger, and now fear has made a come back laced with traces of compassion and resignation.

God's will be done. This has become my mantra. Every sign of frustration and resentment, I sigh and breathe, "God's will be done."

Gregg is still on the couch, though he attempts to move more often. He asks for things, more coffee, more water, etc. I answer, "When was the last time you got up?" If it's been several hours I suggest he gets it himself. Often he remains seated and goes without, this is when my jaw usually tightens and very negative thoughts stomp through me head. If I have company they will jump at his requests, shooting me a look like I am heartless. But he has to move. I would be happy, no thrilled, if he would just stand up every hour, maybe walk to the bathroom and back. But he says he is in too much pain, yet when he sees me frown he adds, "But I'm getting better."

My eyes roll.

I wish medical science would invent a way to measure pain like a thermometer measures a fever. Perhaps I am expecting too much too fast. Maybe he needs more time to heal. But his visiting nurse and physical therapist had him doing so much and when they stopped coming, he stopped doing.

Aside from the pain, his breathing is still congested. While sleeping it is shallow and shudders. This brings on the fear and compassion. Today I sat with him and watched TV, I complied to his requests without resentment. And once he even got up to put away his dishes and asked if I needed anything. I say no thank you, he says I am getting better. Of course you are! Perhaps I am the one who needs to get better.

So who am I today? I would like to be kind, compassionate and patient. I would like to be motivating and encouraging. I want fear, frustration and resentment to go away. If it is God's will, then please let it be done.