Why the Secrets?


Why the Secrets?

I am going to scream. Long and loud and often.

Tonight I received a text from Home Instead Senior Care. Mom had fallen today. She "refused to let (the caregiver) call the office" and "refused to let (the caregiver) make note of it in the daily journal". Never mind that I do not understand how a caregiver supposedly experienced with dementia patients can't control the situation such that she can leave me a note. Seriously, since when does the dementia patient call the shots? And this particular one doesn't really read all that well so tell me again how the caregiver can't record this in the log? She writes the rest of the notes at the end of her shift so... why?

So, anyway, I tell Mom about the email and she denied falling. After a while she went and put her PJs on and starts fussing. Keeps pointing to her leg. There is a HUGE bruise running pretty much from her ankle to her knee on the inside of her calf. It hurts, she says. Okay sort of says she can't talk so everything is pantomime.

I freak and call a friend who happens to be a nurse. She says to elevate and ice the leg. Freaking because NATURALLY the walk in urgent care places are all closed by this time.

Mom will NOT stop fussing with it. Picks the leg up, puts it down, moves the ice pack - off and on, picks the leg up and so on.

I say something about stopping home over lunch to check on her tomorrow - fit thrown.

Naturally today I am exhausted. All I have wanted to do since I got home is lie down and sleep. Nope. Can't leave the room.

Another nurse friend popped by, chatted for a while offered no help with the bruise - can't advise medically she says. But at any rate, she stopped over. What ticked me off though was that she wanted to know if I had looked at nursing homes yet, why not and wasn't it time?

Really!? It's been only four months. Yes they have been difficult. But we're still finding our footing, still working out this whole her living here thing and NOW we have a med change that should (hopefully) help with the current anxiety, sundowning and other assorted issues. We have a new doc that has a different take on the situation and has ordered PT and other tests to address issues that were kind of poo-pooed previously. I've started attending a caregiver group - which of course I have to miss the next meeting of due to the PT appointment - in addition to the support of you folks here on this site and a Facebook group so I'm getting some support. Plus we do have the paid caregiver coming in twice a week and Mom finally likes her... So, no I do NOT think that it is "time".

I will know when it is time. I am a rational person, in fact according to some people overly such. I research and analyze pretty much everything. I want her to be safe so when she is no longer safe, I will act. In fact, when (if) we get to the whole incontinence thing THAT will most certainly be a sign 'cuz no way I can handle that. We've had a few poo incidents but not frequent enough to be called incontinent. Yet.

It is NOT yet "time".

Nevertheless, I want to scream. The secrets piss me off. The masking pisses me off. I'm exhausted. And there is NOT enough wine in the universe for this crap.

Vent/rant over, you may now resume your regular programming.


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While I have the same stance that you have in terms of when my loved one will go into a facility, I can understand someone asking you about it .It is a well-meaning question and an inappropriate question or so it seems to me. I get that you are confident that you will know when it is time to find a placement for your mom. I think you, like myself, are dramatic and have strong emotions and opinions. When I express frustration and being overwhelmed I think people hear an intensity that creates a sense of protection of me. I am venting and not looking for a way out. Their comment about placement of my husband, right or wrong, infuriates me but I believe, in reality, they are protective of me. I like that you can see some progress and have a belief that more is to come. You certainly have a lot on your plate, friend!


Glad for the amazing victories in the four months your mom has been living with you. Hope you soon get the confidence of knowing her leg is all right.